It’s my job to speak up (so why didn’t I?)
Macy, a human rights activist, recounts a painful experience she had during a dinner party. “I hardly knew these people, but they had kindly invited me to join. Halfway through the evening, several of them started making racist and homophobic comments, like it was nothing. I froze, and kept quiet.
That night in bed, I felt terrible. It was like I’d supported the far right. I had failed the communities I love and fight for…”.
When you hear something that disturbs your ethical compass, it’s not always obvious what to do next. Speaking up could not go well for you. On the other hand, you feel you should, because that’s who you are. And if your job is related to those values, it’s all the more agonising.
So the question is: when do you raise your voice, and when is it better to ‘keep the peace’ (and wage an internal war later)?
There is no straightforward answer, but there is a good response. And it starts with understanding why this is so painful for you.
Just like your job or family, working for societal change is a part of your identity. You might think, no, it’s not about me - it’s about the people who are being discriminated against! But in that moment, it IS about you. So, when we ignore or betray that identity, it hurts.
Harming your body causes physical pain; harming your sense of self causes emotional pain.
Instead of taking the time to truly feel that, we tend to go into judgement mode; ‘I should have’…. ‘They shouldn’t be…’. ‘People are so…’. But this is an avoidance of reality. You’re spending your energy trying to change what happened, in your head that is.
This is where compassion come in. There is a reason you didn’t act. Perhaps you felt unsafe. Perhaps you’re not sure why. But this is what you can know: not saying anything in that moment, says nothing about how much you care!
Understanding yourself first - not fixing yourself - will give space to contemplate alternatives for the future. You could ask a friend to join you. Imagine going back to that dinner table, and then think of several ways one could respond. You will likely have new insights, and find a certain relief there is no one, ideal way to react.
Living in an imperfect world means we can’t always be the perfect changemaker. Practicing self-compassion will make it easier to stay balanced next time around. And that is the best feeding ground to become more creative in your response, and less attached its outcome.
You might still choose not to speak up, but you will get a better night’s rest. And especially if you’re working for social change, you most certainly need that.
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Do you want to experience more compassion for yourself and others? Do you want clarity on where to focus your energy in bringing about change? I offer free 30-minutes consultations for people dedicated to positive social impact. You can contact me, or register directly through my website.
